Cross My Heart: Notes from the Dead Letter Office

Looking inward looking
heightened sense of panic
my life.
I needed to get things in order
to remind myself
to come to grips.

Looking back, I made a promise to myself,
and if you cannot trust yourself, what else is there?
I need to be out of the bay by 35
while I’m still alive and in my current configuration.
the condition for me sticking around
is a partner

I have tried for a lot of years to find a partner
so far it hasn’t worked out.
trial and error, good time and the bad.
one way or the other
the ins-and-outs and everything in between.

I feel like this geographic area has something to do
with the state of things
So might as well checkout a new area and see if things align
or it is easier for me do live without the perpetual hustle.
So I need to stop being hung up
on the worries of living for nothing but an expensive coffin

Sure, I got shit to work on,
Places to be, thoughts to think,
Come home to something more than dust bunnies
and car key gnomes.

I have trusted in myself my entire life,
so far that has worked out well.
The deconstruction of reality with luck on my side
identifying the best coarse to steer
It has gotten my from there to here.
Under my own power
a sense of control

What is left to conjure is
out of my direct control.
The marketing and artifacts and in my hands
but the rest is left up to chance.
Gravity, laws of attraction.
maybe I need to turn on my magnet.

On both end of the spectrum,
this scares the shit out of me.
the pendulum swing no better,
if it kills me than so be it.
at least I am trying.
to shake lose all this plaque
and be the person I want to be.