A Sense of Spinning: Notes from the Dead Letter Office

So many tangents extend form the center of I that it is hard to keep up sometimes. The I that is not fully contained within me, but to the rest to the universe may define me. The puppet populated world that is occupied indefinitely by this unbridled Ego. The static image quantified by this mind, body, and sprit. So many timeless riddles with missing pieces causing sleepless nights and inner turmoil. I try to find the equation to define all this haphazard reasoning and am constantly fruitless. So much thought wasted applied to this cosmic machine. A machine bent on consuming that burns with an amber white heat, and a stink of rotten frustration. The machine inevitably begins to break down.

Looking inward at problems that plague my mind is the need to control situations. The lonely desire for everything to fit the convoluted role produced in my mind. An unfulfilled dream naked and in complete juxtaposed by a grueling half-assed definition of reality. Choices and decisions that are confronted in the lifetime so far feel minute and fake. A general overall feeling of lack that cheapens the overall experience.

I desire to feel again, to connect. To have a reason to push my boundaries that are closing in. A connection without the regret of feeling dirty or misplaced. Let’s call it mutually beneficial. To flow minus the social political blockage. So I keep pondering all these interconnections. A sweet innocent minute without all the scrambled indifference. Just like most of you out there, I have the fear of waking up and wondering where it all went. Maybe I’m not the Hero or Monster in my own book, just a minor passerby. The blue dry eyes peering through a crack in the wall. Observe and learn keeping out of sight, safe and sound.

It’s interesting what get thrown at our lives when we live them. Too long huddled in a self depriving hospice for thoughts and feelings. To once again to live the tiniest little bit. To disrobe the monkeys on our back that keeps us quite, groomed and lacking the nutrition of connecting with other people. Sometimes it is very scary to say hello because one day we will have to say goodbye.

I got a twinge of the past that decided to haunt me, but this time sitting on the other side of the fence. I could almost see myself inverted. The understanding was a harsh lesson. A lesson that needed to be felt, not something that could possibly be understood by textbook reference. In all actually it felt equal parts fascinating and nervous terror. So lesson learned and internal boundaries set.

I have seen people act as animals. Opportunity may land at your feet, but that does not mean you have to take action. Lack of discretion, a means of promoting self-loathing. Self hatred is an amazing drug, and it is just that a drug. I have been a long time addict. Caught in a vicious cycle that can be avoided if you pay attention, but by the time you are knee deep you are too late. You will drown without help.

All your actions have equal and opposite reactions in the world. A friend told me one day that “we hold the hearts of others in our hands”. I feel that is very true. This is the laws of nature 101. We are all trying to find the balance that we see fit, most of the time we are blind to the wake we leave.. The continuous motion that makes up the background noise. Highs and lows we ride the wave, hoping that we do not capsize. We don’t want to let those around us that we can no longer keep afloat by our own means.

I know I promised a recount of last week, but on second thought, or maybe third. I think I’m going to keep it closer to home, call me a liar if you will, I will own that badge for now. Most of it seems like reality made of Jello as I read these pages, so I don’t know how to make it seem real to anyone else. I hope some of this finds a place in your head or heart. I’m not sure what I’m trying to get across, I guess too long to ponder my own thoughts alone.

(Wednesday, November 29, 2006)