Night: Notes from the Dead letter Office

So what does this have to do with anything, nothing I guess. Some time ago something broke deep with in me. Such is life that has been lead. I shake my fist at life. Try harder mother fucker, I’m still ticking. It is amazing what I have survived on my own scale of brutal truths and half fulfilled dreams. The times I have had on this journey to adulthood, and there after have been interesting to say the least. I have had my fare share of downs. Don’t get me wrong. good times too, but way too quickly those good times came crashing down around my ears. Can anyone listen? Why am I drowning. Should I give up and continue on a different path in the next lifetime. I guess there is always a next time. What are the lessons that I am to learn from all this? More questions, never quite sure. A new coat of paint should work. The sky is a canvas. We dangle below trying to hold on to what is near and dear, and not fall off the planet. Can you love you me? Not who you want me to be, but the person waving at you right now. The ups and downs. We all have our faults and scars, physical and mental, visible and invisible. No faults, or finger pointing. The need to grow up, and be responsible. My inner child yearning for play. I try to feed him, give him attention and love. Maybe that’s not enough. A dichotomy of subjective values like the parts of a sentence, stuttered incorrectly. Foundational needs that could never be met like respect mixed with trust. I can’t do it. To hurt myself like this. All these thoughts. Pick and choose, am I failing because I am protecting myself too much, life without danger, or is danger everywhere. A transferred protection from being the frail skinny kid, with a doped up family life. A good family life mind you, but a bit odd. I know I was loved, and I have loved. Part of for me will do anything while in the grasp of that love. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to give your opinion? As a partner, lover, friend. Intertwined the two indistinguishable over time. Why was it so hard. I know part of it, and I know my side. What else? I feel like I missed so much. So close on numerous levels. That’s pretty good. I am thankful for that. A glimpse, a sweet taste of your natural perfume. Intoxicating. Above and beyond, there we go. I’m going to pray, for what I don’t know but just leaving the light on. In hopes that it will guide that soul to mine. The origin of love? I like that song in that movie, you should see it. In only a few minutes. On this small keyboard on an IBM laptop. I thought laptops were called laptops a long time ago. I remember when I figured it out. I felt foolish. I need to move so I can finish up my book. I really wanted to create something this year. Music, random art, photos, the book, something. Something for me. just for once. A little bit of something good to show some others that I am a good person, and that I care. We all have these moments one day or another. Doing some things I have never done before. Testing the waters a toe at a time. I have decent luck with a few aspects of my life. Growing up bit by bit. Words that need hyphens. A big mess the great truth, all these connections. Why do we try to tear them apart? The mistakes of our fathers. the sins of our generations past. the present now always passing. heart beats, the body changes. Am I the person that I wanted to grow up and be. not the child’s dream that we all have. I think I am. yeah… I have know my whole life that this would be me… I forgot some of the finer details. but the inner core, yeah. Me. I have been regarded as a profit. Yet people don’t believe what they hear. the hear past it, not to what truly what is in front of their eyes. like things being too good to be true. Isn’t that what we were taught? be afraid, uncomfortable, struggle, over and out. I just want a hug. can we help each other out? I’m rambling on again. forgiveness. all these words. I don’t even care what I have written. this feels good. a way for someone will listen, and not think I’m broken. I do know so few people that are happy with the people around them. not trying to change them. we all accept us. features and flaws a whole. not separated out and defined. predictable. the move comes to mind. and what is tied to the whole thing. wow i thought my upstairs neighbors just fell through the roof. yet another reason. To bad I can’t string together things that are meant to be works. Just rambles. Dammit. always the beginning and ends of a book but never the middle. one day i hope to have some help with the middle. maybe in bed with a spring breeze at our toes. maybe I can still dream. That is why the dream can change, adapt. we can still feel lie good people when the chips are down. the time that it really matters. the beauty is out standing and they run. off the cliff, and into the ocean to be reborn. the next evolutionary step. what is at the top of these stares. sounds like one hell of a trip. a fold out map of existence, as a children’s pop-up book. insanity and stability are not derivatives of the same cloth. the acts of free will. rare as they are at this time of existence. so much yelling at people these days. for the most part, living billboards. post none, want none. filling holes forever deep. A quest. Magical little bits, the IDM friction. I don’t want to get up out of my couch. two cheers for laptops. they serve multiple purposes a single tool. tomorrow should be a good day. a new beginning. I have that thing at 8 so I may hit the sack early tonight. hopefully i can get out of work at a normal time. 9:07pm on a Monday night. a phone call just cut out. well just cot the call back. my friend is going through some odd stuff. I’m trying to be there. I cannot recant my actions. I cannot for respect of myself. and that is one of the last things that I have to hold onto. everything seems to slip away. everything seems to shift, a gradient. sometimes the transition is seamless and sometimes abrupt. we last th fine controls to shift the shades to fit out plan. no need to fix any of this. it is not broken. favor and not your way is the flow of the universe. there are times when the reality that i have constructed ever so diligently devised. tricks of the trade. i feel like i got lied to. about big things, small things and all the things that matter. the shinny bits that catch our eyes. fixated. going on. for some reason. i always do in the end. dynamic. it is hard to count on people after being let down time and time again. classic conditioning. the how it is. basic mechanics. the gears of the universe need some greasing. Our toil of out backs. Each generation losing traction. I am a good person and want to pass that on so that this knowledge can be leveraged. built up on. supported and broken. I want to be introduced to worlds beyond my scope. i have done the best I could have. always trying. on the verge of giving up sometimes. but never looked too far down that road. I always had something important to hang on to. a spark in the distance to run to. I think that is why I fall so hard sometimes. breathing the best thing to do sometimes. Asking in the world around you. close your eyes and imaging what should look like. the colors of the sky at dusk. your first time you waited for the birds to wake up. one day into the next. the halves seeking a middle. magnetic attraction. polar opposites revolving counterclockwise. ticking. piano. songs that won’t get created, never finding a home. All these things that will never get to see the light of day. a line of time like yarn bendable. points being unwound, the final hairs gip taunt. i was wondering what was the great idea was. I used to know but I think that the translation was lost long ago. I guess I’m looking for help with that. all this typing. not really going anywhere, adrift in the time before i sleep. I need a shower too. fresh green hair. that would jack up my couch. I could do it but a shower is an easy thing. Nag Champa red is so very soothing. Not sure why but the sweeter scent just gets me. I need a guide. i can reciprocated in some aspects. blue? I guess I have been pent up a bit lately. I don’t want to scare the natives. They can be restless sometimes. savage and unruly. Dammit I’m hungry,, and more ways than one. mostly food hungry. I lacked that lunch thing again. Sometimes I can’t be bothered with eating, too late to grab something quick. nah, I can wait. I’m good at the waiting. It is quite easy. Don’t question the good stuff. Enjoy it while it is there. I know I have tried. My head feels kind of crunchy, the dye is drying off. Hopefully the color takes a bit better then last time. I tried to catch more of the red undertones that broke their way through the last coat. I wonder that the next color will be. Any suggestions? I know I need a hair cut. Noting major, maybe not. but the shag needs to get cleaned up some. it is a bit ragged. I don’t know how to cut long hair on me. I can do the short and razor action, but the long. out of practice. quack. sha bang. Bad sound effects. I’m losing stream. I think it is just about shower time. This episode of heroes is almost over, a night is called after that. I miss talking to people. I listen a lot now. A definite change over the past few years. I think that comes with the guarded thing. Afraid to come out of this bubble. It scares me sometimes. I have come to grips but i need to have a reason to. The hard lessons can be funny if you get enough distance. Far enough that I can’t remember a sad little smile. Random. What is the color of your love? The one you see when you close your eyes. Anyone want to kidnap me for a vacation. I have time I can take off. Lacking any ideas, and desire to travel alone. Well time to get undressed and into the shower. A nice shower, and finishing it off with some tea tree oil. a dropped on the first potter movie. The main character in the Troll movie was names Harry Potter, and it is also a movie about magic. I have watched a lot of movies and retained a lot of their information. I have a knack for the odd details. The overlooked and un-cherished. It is now 10:45. A few more minutes and I’m out and calling it a night. I’m gonna grab some nuts really quick and finish up. ooh Thats better. Raw nuts are great. I like peppered nuts also. Weird almonds fit nicely in my belly button. 5.1 owls are pretty interesting sound. Listening to a movie is quite interesting. I feel blind. I have a schematic but for a different universe. The two don’t line up. I get confused sometimes.

My Horrorscope for today:
You might feel as if you have been turned inside out, as a current situation won’t match up with your inner feelings. No matter how hard you attempt to make it work, something else keeps coming up to distract you from your goals. Don’t fret about being blocked from reaching your destination, for you might already be exactly where you’re supposed to be.

(Tuesday, September 11, 2007)