That Human Feeling: Notes from the Dead Letter Office

The state of my body:
There is a fist in my chest crushing all in side.
behind my sternum heavier that the rest of my body.
breathing becoming difficult.
i’m tearing myself apart again.
like rats leaving a sinking ship
nothing will be saved
poison turned into violent medication
no crys for help, no brash actions
just lost and in a state of unforgiven silence
what’s left making me tick
doesn’t tick as much as vibrates
how did it get this far
I ‘m sorry for everyone that I have locked out
and left on the side of the road
with out a word, a good by
I feel like a monster and by your reaction
there is evidence i am
I don’t know what to say…


man is not created equal and that’s half the fun
its through life and understanding that
that equality should shine


I keep having a dream:
there is a house unfamiliar to me
it lives under the stairs, just there out of sight
in a earthen basement
the smell is unique
there is movement and it is welcomed
i am afraid
the creature before me hold no shape
at least a shape held for enough time that can be described
it constantly mutates
the outer layer which i will call skin or protoflesh
is smooth and pale, marked with veins
you can see inner workings doing what they do
it lacks the desire and need to be described
i am not sure if it needs to eat
but i feed it things, things i want to forget
not deal with, this is my dirty little secret
i don’t know how it started, and i don’t know how to stop this ritual
i wake feeling uneasy, usually resulting
in a purge of what’s in my stomach
which is usually bile and nothing else
i shower but cannot get myself clean

 (Wednesday, October 18, 2006)